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The past few days, I have been feeling so down. So dark. I couldn’t really understand. I was questioning why I was here. I had that strange feeling of being lost, of losing my purpose. Although my purpose for being here is crystal clear, I am here to work. It was confusing. All I know is I was so demotivated. Uninspired. It was taking me hours to complete one job. I’m like intentionally dragging it just because. I don’t feel like completing the tasks. I kept delaying things that actually I could finish in one sitting. And I hated myself for doing that because I hate people who do that. Who doesn’t complete their tasks and finds reasons to walk around and do nothing.

I was trying to figure out what was the reason for all these. Is it my job? The environment? The people around?

To be honest, I couldn’t be grateful enough to be here and work with people who are all respectful and pleasant (well, not all, but). So I don’t understand what’s going on with me.

And I’m sure it’s not about the routine. I am ok with repetitions and prefer planned actions to spontaneity. But for some reason, I couldn’t get myself to do the things I do. At one point, I was even so hesitant to swim – the activity I love doing the most. Instead, I am getting drawn more to my bed.  

I was also losing my appetite because I couldn’t get to eat the food, but I kept feeling hungry because I was never satisfied, and I kept eating junk food – chips and instant noodles that actually made me gain weight in a month.

I asked my sister what she thought about this. And I asked her if it was ok for me to go home and bum around for months until I figured out what I wanted to do next? And her answer was just the practical one. Hindi madaling kumita ng pera teh. Maayos naman sweldo mo dyan, dyan ka muna.

But to be honest, I came to the point that I have calculated already if I have enough money to cover my expenses and the bills I have to pay if I’m going to go home and do nothing for months. Because I wanted to escape. I wanted to just stop doing things, stop working. But then the thoughts of bills and adulting things come to mind to remind me that I can never stop working. But is this all there is to this life?

It’s funny that I was still on a high just last month because of being the temporary acoustic performer, and now, just after a few weeks, I am in a slump.

I just don’t get it. And I hate that I also don’t know the reason for all these dark feelings.

However, today I felt a bit lighter when I received this Monday Motivation newsletter (and I am grateful for receiving this) from Find Your Voice, and it said:

Hibernation is the natural order — you cannot be “on” all the time. You cannot always be writing, always be on Instagram, always be creating, always be metabolizing your life to share with others. There are times, in the natural cycle of creativity, where it is good to get secret, go dark, be private, and retreat into the darkness for a time. 

This was meant for writing, but I guess it applies to life too. So, for now, I will give myself some time and wait until this darkness fades away.