Weeks ago, I had a small breakdown.
I was working on a wedding group and, as I sought assistance from my two immediate supervisors about the prices and other details one Tuesday morning, something from what they both said hit me. I automatically shut down the whole morning. When I went back to my room in the afternoon, I suddenly cried. I lied on my bed and tried to sleep. Their words kept repeating in my head. My tears fell randomly.
I took a three-day break and hid in my room. I only went out when I had to eat. I tried to avoid both. Their words rang in my head for days. They both made me feel like I was incompetent. I doubted myself and my capabilities because of what they both said.
It took days before I was able to talk to them again. When I had my mind cleared, I reflected once more on what upset me. Was it the words said or who said it? Or was it because they both bombarded me with their loud voices and snare remarks that I felt it was an attack on me.
I looked back at it and figured maybe I was too emotional that day and, they were too loud for me to handle. I thought, maybe they didn’t even mean their words the same way I interpreted them. They might not even know until now what made me upset and, no one bothered to ask. We just moved on as if nothing happened.
I wrote everything I felt in a notebook, told my husband my two close friends overseas who were always available to chat whenever I need them like I always did in the past which helped release all the negativity. However, this time, I had a friend here who helped me deal with this. I had someone to talk to physically, I had someone who brightened up my dark days.
I lived like this for years and dealt with such issues all by myself and this blog for a long time (with lots of super emotional posts somewhere between 2016 to 2018). Although over time, I became a bit selective in what I post – you would have noticed if you’ve been reading my blog for some time now.
I have been very selective of the stories I verbally tell as well. I wouldn’t have noticed if my friend didn’t tell me. She said I would not say anything until asked. I got so used to being with myself and being with people who are either not interested in my or story or not interested in listening at all that shutting up seemed very normal.
For the longest time, I dealt with my issues by writing and reflecting on them by myself, and it was quite ok. But having someone to talk to who is willing to listen and motivate lightens up the burden.
I’m pretty sure I’m not alone with ‘this kind of struggle.’ And if you are struggling, I hope you find someone who will listen to you and lighten up your load.
Thank you for reading as always. I haven’t posted something as raw as this for quite some time now (didn’t I?). I must have been flooding your feed with my imaginary characters and strange short stories recently. Anyhow, I would love to know what you want to read more from me. I’d love to read any random notes too 😀
Featured image by https://unsplash.com/@jplenio edited on Canva