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It is 23:54 already and my husband is now fast asleep.

I sit here beside him, wide awake, reading Modern Love and catching up on some of your posts, my only literary activity since… I don’t know when.

I’ve been home for few days now, and I did nothing but sleep and eat (and buy lipsticks HAHA). I’ve spent more time sleeping than being awake. The past two months of my working life had been very tiring, physically and mentally.

I got a promotion, yehey! But I am not sure how happy I am with this as the pressure escalated overnight.

Again, I am like a soldier on the front line, unprepared for the war. I can’t remember if I have mentioned already on any of my previous posts but anyway, I am still wondering why I am always pushed to a certain job or title that I have no interest in nor skills to do such. Not that I don’t trust myself or I cannot perform otherwise, why would they promote me right? But this has always happened to me. I’m like always close to getting the job that I really want to do most but getting something else instead.

I am thankful, yes, very much for the promotion but then I keep asking myself why am I here.

Do you know how difficult it is to be in sales when you don’t even want to talk to people? When you only want to be in an office, quietly thinking, creating stuff, writing and so on.

Do you know how awkward it is to knock into an office, introduce yourself to the owners or managers of the company and talk about business, present your company and ask for more business. I mean, seriously? I even feel shy to ask a waiter to bring toothpicks and here I am, asking for business. Sounds like a joke right?

In one of my previous IG stories, I’ve posted something along like ‘I am selling encyclopedias today.’ People of my age (LOL), can you remember sales people knocking on your door, in long sleeves and ties, selling encyclopedia?

Imagine yourself selling encyclopedia. Can you?

Imagine me doing it. I cannot (but I try to, anyway).

Sometimes during the meetings, there will be awkward silence whenever I run out of things to say or questions to ask.

And the worst part is, I have to be this nice, smiley, patient pretty lady that I am really not. To be honest, my face is like an emoji. It changes according to how I feel at the moment. I cannot hide what I feel as it immediately shows on my face. And I have to practice, using a poker face with a fake smile.

There’s something even worse. Some guys think I am selling myself and not the resort. I started receiving funny messages from some guys. Some are offensive. Something like ‘when are you visiting our office again? I wanna see your pretty face.’ But I cannot answer them rudely. I cannot just cut them off brutally by saying ‘fuck off you dirty idiot.’ I can only go as much as ‘please stop sending me these messages’ or at the most, ignore.

The past two months has been crazy but I have learned a lot in a short span of time. I still haven’t managed to learn how to wear that poker face though.

I thought I wanna write a reflective year end post. But it didn’t go as planned. As usual. Oh well.