First Heartbreak

aysabaw

She was washing the dishes when I arrived home that night.

I placed my bag on top of the dining table and sat.

I called her,  Ma, then I started telling her about my first heartbreak. I sobbed. She stopped whatever she was doing in the kitchen, gave me a glass of water and sat beside me.

It wasn’t actually a romantic love that broke my heart but betrayal from some friends that I held dear.

Looking back at it, I am not even quite sure if it was worth my tears. It was actually so childish and is not even worth wasting my time but even so, while writing this and thinking about how I felt the night I wept in front of my mom, I am now, almost into tears. Somewhere within me, is a scar of a wound that never healed.

But then I realized why I was so devastated with what happened to me. It was because of love.

We always ask ourselves why love is often accompanied by pain. I think, it is because when we love, we care. We love even though the people we offered our love to isn’t worthy or isn’t capable of loving us back. We love until we feel the pain. And once we feel the pain, we try to escape the hurt and move on. We leave those undeserving of our love. No matter what kind of love it is, romantic, friendly or family love. When everything turns sour, we all turn our backs and leave.

But there’s one kind of love that we can lean to. The love that has always been there but is usually ignored. Our mother’s love, that is.

We, the unworthy kids, always breaks our moms’ hearts. They did nothing wrong except to love us but all they get in return are headaches and heartbreaks. But then no matter how many heartbreaks we give them, they never told us lines like, I need space, or It’s not you, it’s me.

My mom is a very strong woman inside and out. I sometimes wonder if her heart was ever broken but if that even happened, I bet she’ll never tell me.  I rarely saw her cry, well, except while watching Armageddon or the likes. She never projected weakness. She isn’t the usual mom who’ll cry while applying medicine on my wounded knees, or kiss or hug me to make me feel better.

When I was young, she’d scold me, look at me with a stern face while pressing hard on my wound so I could very well remember the pain and start taking care of myself, avoid falling down and getting wounded again.

I didn’t see her stern face that night but I would never forget that reaction on her face while I cried. She didn’t scold me. She just said, that’s life. It’s good that you’ve seen who your real friends are as early as now.

After my first heartbreak, I never thought that there will be a lot more and I always wondered if my mom have gone through this much too or even more.

Thinking about that night and writing about it, I am not sure now what brings me to tears. Was it the memory of the pain inflicted by my first heartbreak? Or was it the memory of my mom’s face as I broke her heart?

Published by aysabaw

Hi there! My name is Aysa! I am currently based in the Maldives, a free diver, a frustrated artist and writer and a lover of palm trees and ocean breeze.

83 Comments

    1. Lol…di naman…nagiisip kasi ako ng mother’s day post…eh ayaw akong dalawin ni Aling Mertha…nag emote na lang tuloy ako bwahahhaha

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      1. may mga minsan talaga na kelangan mo lang tumayo sa tabi ng bubog na bintana, hawakan ang iyong tasa ng kape, mag-side view ng onti, tumingin ng tumatagos sa labas at mag-senti, ay sana bumuhos ang ulan para combo. haha

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          1. oo kasali yung pag-side view ng onti sabay tutungo ka rin ng onti mga 45 degrees angle hahahaha, tapos dapat pala ng background music din of your choice ..hahahaha. pwede.

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          22. may decimal kase hindi ko naman birthday today. haha. ano pala, first year highschul ka tapos first year college ako? haha, pero ate Aysa pa rin ikaw kc panganay ka sakin dito sa WP ng maraming taon.

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          28. bwahahahahahah….actually mahalaga sakin ang edad ng mga lagi ko nakakausap dito…kasi para alam ko lang yung level ng pambabalahurang gagawin ko hahahahhaahhahha

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          31. binilang ko, marami nga! hahaha, at least di na emo, tapos mamaya ita-try pa rin mag-side view sa bintana at mag-silhouette ng onti as I have previously advised. ayiii hahahaha. jokes

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          32. mabilis naman magbago ang emosyon ko…emo ngayon….masaya na mamaya ha ha ha ayoko mag side view…baka kakadungaw ko sa bintana may matanaw pa kong Arabo sa kabilang building wahahahahah

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          35. Ang gitnang silangan ay madalang ang paghalik ng ulan sa lupa, anupat ang lupa ay hungkag, tigang, at lubos na nangungulila sa masaganang dampi ng ulan. Sorry, what? haha

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          41. lol. brain tide na agad ako kahit quarter moon pa lang? hahaha. I gtg run muna Ate Aysa, eheste, Aysa lang pala, maglalakad muna ako ako, mga tatlong rounds lang sa isang park dito sa may samin tapos soundtrip 🙂 magpapagod ako at magpupuyat para tamarin akong bomoto bukas! haha

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          1. Bago lang. Nung February lang. Nasa Marikina pa ako nagtuturo that time kaya nahatid ko pa. Ang parents, sila lola at lola na buhay pa, ang sinuportahan. One year lang daw. Kasama naman niya mga kapatid saka pamangkin niya dun kaso magkakalayo ang mga bahay nila. Pero walking distance naman. 6 days ang working days pala nila dun.

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          2. hmmmmm 1 year lang? sana nga 1 year lang talaga ah…nung nag-umpisa ako dito sabi ko tatapusin ko lang yung 2years contract ko pero hanggang ngayon matapos ang 10years eh andito pa rin ako hahahaha

            ay atleast may kamag anak pala kayo don

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          3. Oo. Half kasi yun kaya ang citizenship niya ay though blood right. Ayaw niya nung wala ginagawa kaya nagtrabaho na lang rin. Komplikado yung dahilan kung bakit siya pumunta. Para daw kami daw e makapunta din dun. Ako, niyaya na nga ng mga auntie ko kung kailan ako pupunta. Hindi nila alam kung ano yung buhay brother na pinasok ko. Sabi ko bibisita lang ako kasi may school kami dun.

            Antagal mo na pala dyan. Nakakauwi ka pa ba dito? Eleksyon na pala bukas. Wahaha

            Liked by 1 person

          4. ah so may ibang reason naman pala sya…not just because gusto lang mag abroad…ok….

            oo matagal nako dito ha ha ha…umuuwi naman ako every year :p

            ah basta ako nakaboto na hahaha

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          5. Oo. Isama ba dun yung bayaw ko na gustong mag-abroad.

            Nung bumoto ka, tama ba yung resibo? Hahaha. May balita kasi ako na kapag si pula ang binoto, nagiging dilaw sa resibo. Hahaha

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          7. Hahaha. Nandito ako sa Duterte region. Nung pumunta nga ako sa downtown ng Davao, nagulat ako nung may nakasalubong akong nakasuot ng Grace Poe T-Shirt. Hindi naman ako choosy sa President huwag lang yung isa na puro iwas sa paratang sa kanya. Hahaha. Mas excited pa ako dun sa mangyayari kay PNoy after elections, kung sino ang maaapoint sa cabinet, at kung ano ang gagawin ni Leni kapag nanalo na siya sa VP. Hohoho

            Liked by 1 person

          8. ha ha ha ha excited din ako sa mangyayari at sa kung sino ang mananalo…

            ayoko manalo si Leni just because LP sya ha ha ha ha…I will still see Pnoy in her LOL

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          9. Hahaha. Itong si PNoy napansin ko palala ng palala habang tumatagal sa presto. Lumalala ang pagiging apathetic at tunnel-visioned. Ayoko naman nung isang anak ng diktador kasi nakatatak sa akin yung picture ng First Family at yung suot niyang battledress nung nasa Malacañan sila during EDSA revolution. Tulad nung isang Presidentiable na umiiwas sa paratang sa kanya, siya naman todo iwas naman sa perang nakuha ng erpats (at ermats?) niya at sa mga human rights victims nung Martial Law. Ayos lang sakin si Cayetano as VP. Malinis naman record niya.

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          10. Hahahahaha aynako…bakit napasok sa pulitika tong usapan hahahaha

            Basta ayoko sa mga aquino….sana wala na silamg ibang kamag anak pa na maupo sa pwesto…si Kris aquino parang mas matindi pa kay Imelda…ewan basta hahahahha

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          11. Si PNoy, sincere naman siya sa bawat ubo niya. In between sa mga ubo niya, hindi na totoo yun. Hahaha. Si Kris, maingay lang naman. Maiba lang, alam mo ba yung komiks na Trese? Naalala ko dahil kay Imelda.

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  5. Heartbreaking naman to ate. 💔😢Breaks my heart even more as I recount the many times I broke my mom’s heart. Despite that, I’m still assured that she always got my back. Moms are the best. Happy Mother’s Day to your Mama,ate ☺

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    1. Hahahah kainis. Mother’s day na mother’s day eh heartbreaking ang naisulat ko. Baket ganon lels. Anyway…. true na nandyan sila lagi para sa atin….happy mother’s day din sa iyong Mama 😊😊😊

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  8. I say, the latter. Your Mom’s. Like you, there are times that I just broke to tears whenever I think about my mother. Di kasi ako pala-communicate sa kanya dahil we were taught to be emotionally independent. There’s no room for soft hearts sa pamilya namin. I never had a hug from my father pero ramdam kong andun yun eh. Alam mo na yun…You get the point.

    Tulad ngayon, sumisinghot singhot na tuloy ako…

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    1. Kami din hindi lumaki sa malalambing na magulang eh…bawal magpakita ng emosyon he he….

      Hala Sir, di ko kasalanan ang inyong pagsinghot ha ha

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